The Day Before Surgery!

Wow! If someone told me two years ago that I was going to be having lap-band surgery tomorrow, I would have told them they were crazy! Two years ago my mom was about to have the surgery herself and boy, oh boy, did she want me to get it too! But in my mind it was a cop out, if my mom was so determined to lose the weight she would not need a lapband! When my mom would tell me I should get it, I told her im 19 years old there is no reason why i cant do it by myself! Well, I did, I lost 30 pounds! Once i hit the 199 mark i had to be hospitalized, my gallbladder was not being good to me be any longer! So I was in the hospital for 5 days, it was painful at first but once i got that morphine pump it was smooth sailing! Haha.. When I got home I ate and ate, I hadnt eaten anything in like 2 and a half weeks!! So I gained a few back! But instead of losing it back... I gained it all back within a year and a half... I got a little more depressed with every pound I gain back and with the depression I would eat more and more.

In August, I was having a really bad day, I sat on the couch and cried the day away! I wasnt as carefree as I let on. Me and my mom got on a fight, it was something silly, but i remember her picking the fight because she only wanted me to be happy and be better to myself! And ultimately thats what I want as well! So she sent my dad over to my apartment. He sat and expressed his and my mothers concerns not only about my depression but for my health.

 So after thinking about it for a few months silently, I admitted defeat, or at least thats how i felt, I told him that I dont need, this my body does, a 21 year old shouldnt have to worry about her blood presure being too high, or have her doctor tell her the odds of having a heart attak at the age of 30 is tooo high! But I want this, because I want to be able to have childern, there is no way i will be able to carry a baby to full term if my blood preasure is high,without a fetus growing in me. I also dont want to look in the mirror and think to myself "ugh, how gross!" I want to walk in the room and just shine not just because of my smile but because I am glowing, because I am finally comfortable in my own skin! I want to be able to love my self from the inside out, because unfortunately I have never been able to not only love the person I am and be happy with the body I am in. There is soo much I want in this life, that right now Im just not able to have, not because I am fat, but because I dont believe in myself enough to go out and get it...

Tomorrow I am having lap band surgery! 

The offical before pictures!

I was makin faces at taylor(my little sister)